Category: Satire

By Joyce Beland.

Dear Friends and Family,

Well, it’s time for our annual Christmas missive. This year we baked 15 different cookies. Five are gluten free. Three are vegan. We also made three fruitcakes. One soaked in rum. One soaked in bourbon. And another soaked in rye. Not letting a single drop go to waste, we drank anything leftover. We also purchased six live trees. Two Fraser Firs. Two Douglas Firs. And two Scotch Pines. We decorated our “little forest” with new homemade ornaments and family heirlooms. We stationed the trees throughout our home. Once Christmas is over, we’ll plant them on our property. Also, we purchased many meaningful gifts and wrapped them with love. We shipped out some and placed others under one of our trees. Glad we decided to keep things simple this year and skip the usual craziness.  Now we have time to write Christmas cards to our 1,000 closest friends. Of course, we could use social media. But an old-fashioned hand-written note is more personal. “Happy holidays” if you want to be politically correct. “Merry Christmas” if you’re right-wing, government-fearing Christians. We’ve been keeping a close eye on this war against Christmas. All the folks on Facebook are posting about it. We hated to do it, but we gave up our Starbuck’s coffee. The nerve of them, using a red “holiday” cup. Where was baby Jesus or Santa Claus? A bunch of left-wing, liberal socialists must run the company. The spouse and I discussed getting a divorce this year. We decided not to go through with it. Too many years invested in each other. We worked things out, pretty much, and don’t talk to each other unless we must. Thing is, we’re both getting deaf and wind up shouting at each other. Still sounds like we’re fussing and fighting. Our oldest boy was back in rehab this year. He’s been in for alcoholism, drug addiction, and sex addiction. This time it was for his gambling problem. Who knew putting scratch-off tickets in his stocking would lead to that? Our daughter blessed us with another grandchild. She isn’t sure who the father is. We suspect she knows but doesn’t want to say. Not that we care. We’re already raising her other three. We don’t know who their daddies are either. We’ve welcomed the new baby girl. We’re thrilled to support her mother. She should have her Ph.D. in Ancient Babylonian Philosophy sometime next year. It’s an honor to be the parents of a child with multiple college degrees. This will be her fourth doctorate. Our youngest son is also doing quite well. He’s been keeping a low profile since that embezzling incident. Thank goodness we found a competent lawyer to represent him. It was well worth taking out another mortgage on our house. Anything for our children. We also decided to sell the vacation home. It was getting too expensive to maintain. And since the kids have grown up, we weren’t using it as much. Our youngest promised that once he comes out of hiding, he’ll buy us a bigger and better place. We’re hoping for some place tropical with servants. We continue to enjoy our retirement and feel blessed to be living in this great country. We’re overjoyed to exercise our second amendment rights. For Christmas we’re giving each other the gift of adding to our private arsenal. You can never bear too many arms. And no one has the right to take those guns from us. The NRA will be getting a little something extra from us this year, for their important work. We’re grateful too for our good health. As we get older some things don’t work like they once did. We may have to replace certain parts. We’re like old cars. We’re grateful for our family. We mentioned our kids and grandkids. We also want to brag about our parents. We’re blessed to still have them with us. My mom and dad live in our attic. They love the beautiful view from up there. My in-laws have the run of our basement. It’s another blessing to have them do our laundry. We enjoy when both sets of parents visit the main part of the house. But we can’t entertain them at the same time. Since that mishap at our wedding reception, they still despise each other. It was a tiny fire and flood. Our guests only spent a few hours at the hospital. Most were in and out of the emergency room. The insurance paid for most of the damage. You would think they would forgive and forget after all these years. The fact they can recall every detail shows they still have their wits about them. There is nothing wrong with their minds. We’re happy they’re mentally fit and enjoy seeing them once a month. We’re honored you’re our true American friends and privileged you’re a part of our family.  Each one born on this great USA soil, as far back as we remember. God bless America!